Lunch Buddies, Lanyards & Love

I have a date every week with a 9-year-old.

I see her every Thursday. She is my lunch buddy :)

It is a program with Communities in Schools, a "nationwide network of passionate professionals working in public schools to surround students with a community of support, empowering them to stay in school and achieve in life."

I must admit, when I began the process of applying to volunteer, I felt awkward.

Beyond that, I felt like a creeper. The forms asked questions like what school we wanted to work with and what age child and gender. I felt like a pedophile selecting, "I'd like a little blue-eyed, blonde 7 year-old girl" Now, to clarify, the application did not ask for those details... but still!

I pushed through the awkward application process, however, and got my background check approved and my references in. Then I was allowed to begin the program.

My little girl, who I shall refer to as K, was a little reserved at first. 

Our first couple lunch dates, we covered the usual topics like favorite color, food, tv show, etc. And I began to ask about her family. When I asked about her parents, she said: "I have a mom. She is 38." 

This threw me off. And broke my heart. 

In sharing about my mom, I have never once revealed her age (In fact, I'd probably get in trouble for making that public knowledge, lol!). However, K obviously has been asked/judged so much that even as a 9-year-old, she was on the defense to prove to me her mom was older - not a teenage mom as many would assume. Although, I later found out K has sisters who are in their early 20s so her mom was a teenage mom who just continued to have children.  

My heart further broke a few weeks into the school-year when I found out her mom went to jail so K was living between her older sisters' homes and her own where the mom's live-in boyfriend still resided. My little 4th-grade lunch buddy was left to do homework/eat/entertain/protect herself many nights with little-to-no adult supervision. 

It comes as no surprise that when she is then under strict supervision at school, she often gets in trouble. I am not even assuming this; in a scarlet-letter-kind-of-way, the school has a branding system of colored lanyards: 

• Gold = good behavior
• Green = you've been spoken to but mostly behaved
• Red = you got in trouble, seriously or frequently

Well, my little K has been on red LITERALLY every week that I've met with her this school-year :( 

Despite that we had not had progress in the lanyard arena, we had progress in our connection with each other. 

The first week, she wouldn’t even hardly hold my eye contact, much less my hand. But the more lunches and conversations we shared led to smiles, then hugs, then walking her to her classroom or recess. 

A few weeks ago, she held my hand all the way from the lunch room to recess and had me play with her outside a bit; before we said goodbye, she told me she loved me. 

Gah. Melt my heart. 

Once I realized she knew I cared for her and I knew she cared for me, I felt that I could push her and she knew it would be coming from a good place – not just another adult telling her what to do. 

On our next lunch date, I talked with her about her lanyard and asked her if she thought she could get on green. She didn’t really know what to say. 

I told her I didn’t just think she could get on green; I knew she could. She pinky-promised me (which is about as binding as a contract can be for an elementary school kid!) that she would try to get on green.

Sadly, I didn’t see her the next Thursday because the weather was awful and the streets were flooded and I couldn’t get to her school. 

The next Thursday was Thanksgiving so school was off. 

As a result, it was 3 weeks before I saw her again :/

And to make matters worse, I was late that Thursday. I had just managed to find parking near her school when I got a call from the lady in charge of Communities in Schools; she told me K was asking to make sure I was still coming in that day. I told her I was literally walking in the door and would see them both in 2 minutes. 

As I walked into the lunchroom, K spotted me first. She gave me a big ole smile and hug and then we sat down to chat about our usual: her food, her classes, her weekend, etc. 

But, then she asked: “Do you like surprises?” with a coy smile on her face. 

I had no idea where she was going with this. 

I said, “Of course, I love surprises! Do you?” 

But, she ignored my question and simply stated, “I have a surprise for you.” 

I still had no idea where she was going with this. “You do!?!” I asked. 

At this point, she begins to unbutton her coat which I had failed to realize was still on. By about the third button, I saw it, hanging around her neck: a GREEN lanyard!!!! 

She saw me see it and asked me, “Do you remember how last time we met, you told me I could get a green lanyard?” 

“Of course I do!!!” I said, pleased and impressed that she still remembered. 

“And I knew you could do it!!!” I added, “I am SOOOOOOO proud of you!!!” 

I proceeded to give her countless high fives and hugs… as I fought back the tears welling up in my eyes because she had remembered and honored that challenge. AND she had believed in herself because someone else had believed in her. 

She said, “See, I can be not bad.” 

This broke my heart too. She believed she was a bad person. I said, “Oh, K! You were never bad. You may have made some bad choices but you were never bad. You are a sweet, good girl and you can always be that if you decide to be.” 

I know it was cheesy but I don’t think she has ever heard this. Certainly not at school. She is told she is bad and she is viewed as bad since she has to wear a red lanyard. 

For clarification, this is not to hate on the system or the teachers or the school. I know they have structure in place for a reason and it can be largely effective. However, for K, she had begun to believe she was only as good as she had gotten in the system: red lanyard status. 

Further, it didn’t seem that she believed she could move beyond that. 

But she did!!!! 

I brought up her green lanyard and green things like 50 times in the last 15 minutes of our lunch.

I am happy to report that the next week, K still had a green lanyard :)

She and I were both excited and proud. We have already decided that in 2013, we are aiming for the gold lanyard. She believes she can do it now. 

A little thing like a shift from a red lanyard holding your student ID card changing to a green lanyard has had profound effects on K’s self-confidence and I think even self-worth. 

And, it was all accomplished in a few lunch dates. 

This is not a bragging moment for me as such a great lunch buddy because I only had one afternoon of training and I don’t have special tricks or tips. I was just a grown-up who took time to meet with a little 9-year-old girl and through that, I believed in her and loved on her. 

That is what has profound effects on a child. And, this is something anyone can do. 

Including you.

You too could take less than an hour out of your week to meet with, love on and believe in a child at a school near you. It could have profound effects on you and the child both. 

Communities in Schools is a national organization so check out the one near you…