My Sexual Value System

I realize it has been a while since I last wrote. School has taken over my life :( As a result, I thought I would kill two birds with one stone: below is a paper that I had to write for my Human Sexuality class.

I decided to turn it into a post. It may be a smidge more formal than my typical writing but it still describes the topic via a Southern Belle Feminists's perspective...

My assignment was: In this paper, you are being asked to summarize your own sexual value system. How did your own values regarding sexuality originate and then evolve throughout your adolescent and college years? What have you learned about the sexual decision-making process? How do you make sexual decisions then and now? What advice might you offer to others about this topic?

Here is what I came up with :)

My sexual value system has been most influenced by 3 things: my family, my faith, and feminism. The biggest change through my transition from high school to college was not in how I view sex but in how others view me. Finally, my advice to others is to know what you want to do (or not do) and why.

In high school, I was most influenced by family. It was clear that I was not to have sex. Good girls did not do “it” and I was raised in a Christian home where virginity was just assumed as an unwavering requirement. The temptation here was my boyfriend of over four years; despite this, we never once had sex. Yes, we came close a time or two but despite his increasing pressure, I am no rule breaker so I kept my virginity; I ended up losing him as a result. Another reason I believe I never did it with him is because I am a hopeless romantic and began to realize he was not “the one;” aka he did not deserve dibs on my hymen.

As I came to college I also came into my Christian faith. During freshman year, I broke up with my high school sweetheart and, as a result, my physical intimacy decreased almost entirely. No longer tempted in that, I began to reflect on my reasons for remaining a virgin: it is a gift to give my husband, sex (for me) should be within marriage, maintaining a good reputation, avoiding disease and pregnancy, etc. Remaining a virgin was no longer just because I should or because my parents wanted me to. I wanted to; I was in control of my sexuality, even its absence.

In college, I also realized that I am and have been for quite some time a feminist. That is why I find strength in setting my own sexual value system. I feel empowered in my decision to abstain. I understand feminists often are expected to be sexually active and some see virginity until marriage as limiting. I however do not. I believe a key to feminism is the right to choose so I fully support the idea of individual decisions, especially sexual ones, aka to each their own.

Although, not everyone is of that same mindset. The biggest change I have noticed since high school is not how I view sex but how others view me. In high school I was a bit of a goody-two-shoes and people knew I was a virgin but it wasn’t a huge deal because several other people were too. Until the end of our relationship, my boyfriend didn’t pressure me too much. I knew other people had sex but they were sorta seen as sluts. I was viewed with respect.

In college however, things changed quickly. Beyond being a goody-two-shoes, I am now an oddity. People view me more with awe and disbelief than respect. I have had more than one guy tell me that they did not believe virgins existed on this campus. I have not dated much so I have not felt the pressure but I am certain that if I were in a relationship, there would be immense pressure to “put out.” This breaks my heart the most: so many girls succumb to that pressure.

My advice to my peers in college is to know what you want to do (or not do) and why. I feel like several girls on campus may have been virgins in high school but gave that up in college because they thought they “had” to have sex to be popular or get a guy, etc. This is not the reason to have sex. You should have sex because you want to, NOT because someone else wants you to. It is something that you cannot get back and you need to be incredibly certain in giving it away – I’m not saying it has to be on your wedding night to your “Mr. Right” but at least set some sort of barriers and standards for yourself.

There are so many girls that do have sex that they are not even seen as “sluts” anymore. They are normal. My biggest concern is did that shift happen because girls wanted sex or because we have been cornered into that “slut” role to put out and please men? I think girls need to be certain of the answer to that before they give up their bodies, whether for the first time or the hundredth time.

Let having sex truly be your own choice.

My Epic Internal Struggle: Southern Belle vs. Feminist Boxing Match

In case you haven't noticed, I'm single ;)

It doesn't altogether bother me but I have an epic internal struggle in how to be single.

That is, in my mental boxing match, on one side of the ring is the Southern Belle (dainty, passive, waiting to be pursued) vs. the Feminist (though hesitant, more daring - perhaps impatient - pursuer).

As I'm sure you all know, Valentine's Day recently came and went, one of my less remarkable ones since I did not have a significant other. However, it was still good because I am a hopeless romantic and that colors my rosy glasses enough to see past all of the blatant consumerism ;)

For Valentine's Day, one of my girlfriends and I decided to attend a Valentine's dance so that we would not be stuck inside alone, studying and wallowing and giving in to our temptation to eat far too much ice cream or chocolate.

This dance and what unfolded offers a prime example of my mental boxing match:

Before I get started here is a list of some prime characters...

1) Cute Christian = in reference to his religious preference, not an alliteration attempt with his first name ;) Also, my top crushlet of the night
2) German Girlfriend = my friend who is tall and beautiful and from - you guessed it - Germany
3) High Guy = pudgy but lovable boy who was extremely sharing, even in regards to his drug usage; I do not assume that he is high but he, in fact, announces this to me within mere minutes of our introductions.
4) The Twin = a guy I bonded with over the fact that we both have a twin brother
5) Redhead = a nice, quiet redheaded boy with glasses

Round One:

We enter the ballroom and Cute Christian sees me and offers me not only an enthusiastic greeting but also a hug; immediately I become giddy. (This should be a pretty clear indicator in how far removed I am from dating in that I get excited over a half hug from a guy!)

A.K.A. victory to Southern Belle

Round Two:

I run around socializing and introducing myself to several people, including The Twin and the cute DJ. I meet new girls and new guys and comment on the decorations and nibble at the food and it is pleasant. All the while, I am eyeing Cute Christian who is also the host of the event; he runs around greeting others with a conspicuous lack of an accompanying hug. This, too, I find encouraging ;)

A.K.A. another victory to Southern Belle

Round Three:

Nearly an hour has passed and no actual dancing at the dance :( I grow impatient, BUT, still lack the guts to approach a guy, particularly the guy: Cute Christian.

A.K.A. no one wins this round

Round Four:

I stand in a group of girls (4 of us) on the edge of the dance floor. We are talking as two guys approach, one of which is the Cute Christian. He asks one of the other girls to dance. Ouch. Fortunately, that blow was softened by the fact that I was asked to dance by the other guy. John Mayer's "Slow Dancin' in a Burnin' Room" played in the background; It was pretty nice, I'm not gonna lie :)

A.K.A. Southern Belle wins this round; Feminist is placated for the time being

SIDE NOTE: Nerves and dancing increase my heart rate and body temperature; my turtle-necked sweater dress and tights are stifling. I begin to sweat. No good for either the Southern Belle or the Feminist. After debating with my girlfriends, I decide it is necessary and acceptable to run to the restroom to remove my tights. Though the Southern Belle in me is a bit bashful for removing an article of clothing at a public event and the Feminist in me is not pleased that my slacking off on the shaving in this cold weather is reinforcing the "hairy" stereotype I so disagree with, it was a good move on the whole and I start to chill, literally and figuratively.

Round Five:

Cute Christian approaches me and my German Girlfriend to dance; she tries to sit out (knowing my affection for him) but I grab for her as he grabs for me and I leap at the opportunity to grab his hand; I am slow to let go of it as we reach the dance floor...

A.K.A. Southern Belle wins this one!!!

Round Six:

I am terribly awkward as this song is a bump and grind one (not what a Southern Belle will dance to!) and I attempt to talk instead of dance. This is a huge failure as the music is too loud to allow for a conversation. I flail awkwardly in what could hardly qualify as dancing.

A.K.A. Southern Belle takes a blow, hard.

Round Seven:

I realize that I need to talk to the DJ. I request a shag/swing dance, something that I can at least fake the moves to without feeling violated. My initiative proves fruitful and he selects a swing song for the playlist.

A.K.A. Feminist is kicking it into gear and wins that round

Round Eight:

As the song begins, I linger for a moment, scanning the room for Cute Christian in hopes that he will ask me to dance. After a minute or so, I forget that and gain a new determination. This is a song I can actually dance to, danget. I will dance. Period. The Twin is nearby and I ask him to dance. He eagerly approaches but says he doesn't know how to and I say "Well , fake it til you can make it."

A.K.A. Feminist's fists are flying

Round Nine:

The Twin and I finish "dancing" by mimicking others on the floor and laughing all the way; it is great fun. As that song ends, I pass him along to my German Girlfriend who says "I don't know how to dance swing" to which I responded "Neither does he but go have fun!" They do so as I scan the room yet again for Cute Christian but before I get to him I see the Redhead. He stands as I did earlier, expectantly at the edge of the dance floor. "Would you like to dance?" I ask. He says yes and again we fake more than we make of the actual dance but it was a ton of fun!!!

A.K.A. *boom,* *boom,* *boom,* Southern Belle is getting knocked out

Round Ten:

A slow song comes on and the Southern Belle in me yet again scans for Cute Christian. He is not in sight so the Feminist in me sees the High Guy hanging nearby. I ask him to dance and he takes me up on it. We dance for the final 4 songs of the night. He was an interesting and forgiving partner as I even tried to muster up some moves for some rap songs. At one point we were even the only couple on the dance floor (quite possibly our moves scared them away!) but if they had a hit, they'd probably be a bit more unihibited like him and more accepting of my awful attempts at dancing. But, we had fun ;)

A.K.A. Southern Belle is down for the count

Wrap-up:

Sadly, I never got to dance with Cute Christian BUT I did get to dance.

This is because I quit waiting.

Perhaps I could have waited longer and he would have asked me again but my guess would be no. Of course, I could have gone to ask him and maybe I should have but... easier said than done, hence my epic internal struggle. Perhaps he has a similar struggle and that explains why he never approached me again. That won't ever be clear.

One thing that is clear is that when I gave up my Southern Belle's antiquated notion of waiting for the guy to come pursue me, I asked the guys. They were so grateful to dance and I believe we all had a lot more fun at that point, actually dancing at a dance party! I always tend to wait too long to get to that point where the Feminist takes charge.

I guess I fear it can be intimidating or emasculating for the guys... or maybe just hard for me. Keep in mind, I have only carried this out in smaller settings like going to dances or initiating conversations, etc. and have not yet given up my Southern Belle ideology for dating. But, I'm starting to get impatient, as I did at the dance, and now I wonder if dating could be a lot more fun if I would just get up the guts to ask a guy out...

Odd Etymology

I am a Communication major and fascinated by words, particularly their etmology. In reading my human sexuality textbook, I came across a few words that really stuck out:

- pudendum
- testicles
- uterus

First, "pudendum" is the name for the external sexual structures of the female, aka the visible pubic area with hair and the vaginal opening.

No biggie, right?

Wrong. The word in Latin means "that which makes one ashamed" (p 63). My book goes on to say that "this cultural heritage may lead women to develop negative attitudes toward their genitals" (p 63). You think!?!

On the other end of the spectrum, "testicles" were not a source of shame for men but instead a validation of manhood and honesty. In Latin, "testis" means "a witness" (p 105)and it is the root word for "testicles" as well as "testify."

Yes, "testify," as in while in court; in ancient Rome they did not swear on the Bible but instead "men in Roman courts often swore to tell the truth with their hands on their genitals" (p 105). This was also a handy way to prevent women from gaining power in the judicial system since they had no testicles, they were unable to testify.

Lastly, the Greek word for "uterus" is the word from which we derive "hysteria" (p 256). "Hysteria" was defined by the medical community (primarily men in the late 1800s)to be a women's condition with symptoms such as anxiety, irritability, nervousness, bloating, fainting, sexual fantasies, and vaginal lubrication - basically it was PMS.

SIDE NOTE: this disorder was treated with vibrators. No. Lie. Over a century ago. My book has an image of an ad from Lindstrom-Smith Co. that claims "This machine rubs much better and much faster than the hands" (p 256). Although, it was not seen as a sexual tool but a medical one and doctors did not seem to enjoy administering the treatment - basically bringing a woman to orgasm to relieve her hysterical tension.

Regardless, these problems and general hysteria are tied back to the uterus. How charming. No wonder women get a bad rap when they are on "that time of the month;" it all evolved out of a century old bad association with our body parts and body processes.

PS - on the note of etymology, I got hung up in that last sentence on "bad rap" vs. "bad wrap" and went to look it up. I found this fantastic article that explains in great detail which is correct and why if you're interested...

Outside my Window Looks Like a Christmas Card

It is snowing in Charleston.

No. Lie.

This simply had to be documented.

That is all :)

One of the Reasons I Remain Single: Funny/Horrific Boy Update

I just thought y'all might appreciate this:

I was way overdue for doing laundry... it was to the point that I was truly almost out of underwear so I had to do two loads. Well, I was a few minutes late to swap the stuff in the washer to the dryer. As I walked in, this beautiful (and I mean beautiful!!! tall, built, stylish, etc.) boy was standing in there. AND, he was putting clothes into my washer...?

I looked at the dryer beside his and noticed my clothes - a bright red, lacy pair of panties on top!?! - sitting in there. I kinda looked at him and asked... "Did you just toss these in here?" He said, "Yea, uh... I didn't start it cause I didn't know.... uh..."

I said, "Oh, it's totally fine" - I was probably as red as those panties at this point - "I just have a second load i'm going to toss in first."

As I was hunched down digging out my other laundry load, my phone rings - it is obnoxiously loud and playing "the wedding march" and it is buried in the pocket of my bright pink rain coat. I finally grab it and try to answer without dropping anything - especially panties - on the floor.

Of course, it is my mom AND she is asking me what type of acne facewash I use. I am not making this up.

As I describe the Aveno apricot blackhead scrub, I am excusing myself repeatedly as I trot back and forth between his washer and my dryer to peel off the remaining panties and socks stuck on the inside of that washer...

Ugh, I couldn't get out of there fast enough!!!! I'm guessing he won't be a future date for Valentine's ;)

Twisted Logic: a lesson for guys

I recently had some boy troubles and called my brother for support.

Background:

1.) RIGHT before calling him, I did dinner with a (girl) friend of mine who was also experiencing boy troubles. We commiserated together and were definitely a bit irrational, possibly neurotic. However, through the course of conversation - vent, compare experiences, vent, pout, question love and boys on our campus in general, vent some more, - we then had a wonderful building up process - you don't need a guy, look at how involved you are (aka: no time for a boy), you'll find a guy eventually, we can be happy without one, girlfriends are the ones you keep from college anyways, etc.

Altogether, it was a wonderful female bonding time and soooo therapeutic.

2.) My brother is a VERY logical guy (he is studying to be an engineer) with a tendency to enjoy arguing his point.

ENTER our phone call.

Every single comment I made about the boy troubles was met with a question or a counter argument. I was in NO mood to be proven incorrect about my views on the subject. Finally, I insisted he listen to a little lesson that I feel ALL boys should know (hence this post!):

1.) When women are upset and possibly irrational, you CANNOT convince us to agree with you. No matter how many times you state your points (and regardless of how logical your points may be) it will be an uphill battle. You. Will. Lose.

2.) This time period of irrationality, in my experience and that of close girlfriends', will last 24-48 hours after the incident.

3.) During that time period, you should let us vent, possibly even support us, and for kicks, throw in something about how you would never do that to a girl, if you were here then you'd beat him up for us, etc.

4.) Under NO circumstance - absolutely none - should you support the boy's side (my brother did this repeatedly!?!). I realize guys might have some sorta male kinship connection that prevents them from bashing their own kind BUT for your own sake in maintaining your relationship with us, restrain yourself from supporting his side of things.

5.) We don't need y'all to fix the problem; simply let us go through it and try to understand us. Hugs help too.

6.) Once the time period has passed (be aware that the seriousness of the incident could lengthen the 24-48 hours so proceed with caution), you can kindly share your opinion as a potential explanation for the boy's behavior.

If you do these things, I can assure you, you will be very much appreciated by the women in your life who come to you with their issues. When we do that, we just want a kind male to listen and love us.

You can try to fix the problem when we are ready for it to BE fixed. We'll let you know when :)

For the record, I was right about the boy. AND, for the record, I love my brother and he is a huge support regardless, but even moreso now that he knows to give me some time to be irrational and upset before he tries to logically solve the situation.