My Sexual Value System

I realize it has been a while since I last wrote. School has taken over my life :( As a result, I thought I would kill two birds with one stone: below is a paper that I had to write for my Human Sexuality class.

I decided to turn it into a post. It may be a smidge more formal than my typical writing but it still describes the topic via a Southern Belle Feminists's perspective...

My assignment was: In this paper, you are being asked to summarize your own sexual value system. How did your own values regarding sexuality originate and then evolve throughout your adolescent and college years? What have you learned about the sexual decision-making process? How do you make sexual decisions then and now? What advice might you offer to others about this topic?

Here is what I came up with :)

My sexual value system has been most influenced by 3 things: my family, my faith, and feminism. The biggest change through my transition from high school to college was not in how I view sex but in how others view me. Finally, my advice to others is to know what you want to do (or not do) and why.

In high school, I was most influenced by family. It was clear that I was not to have sex. Good girls did not do “it” and I was raised in a Christian home where virginity was just assumed as an unwavering requirement. The temptation here was my boyfriend of over four years; despite this, we never once had sex. Yes, we came close a time or two but despite his increasing pressure, I am no rule breaker so I kept my virginity; I ended up losing him as a result. Another reason I believe I never did it with him is because I am a hopeless romantic and began to realize he was not “the one;” aka he did not deserve dibs on my hymen.

As I came to college I also came into my Christian faith. During freshman year, I broke up with my high school sweetheart and, as a result, my physical intimacy decreased almost entirely. No longer tempted in that, I began to reflect on my reasons for remaining a virgin: it is a gift to give my husband, sex (for me) should be within marriage, maintaining a good reputation, avoiding disease and pregnancy, etc. Remaining a virgin was no longer just because I should or because my parents wanted me to. I wanted to; I was in control of my sexuality, even its absence.

In college, I also realized that I am and have been for quite some time a feminist. That is why I find strength in setting my own sexual value system. I feel empowered in my decision to abstain. I understand feminists often are expected to be sexually active and some see virginity until marriage as limiting. I however do not. I believe a key to feminism is the right to choose so I fully support the idea of individual decisions, especially sexual ones, aka to each their own.

Although, not everyone is of that same mindset. The biggest change I have noticed since high school is not how I view sex but how others view me. In high school I was a bit of a goody-two-shoes and people knew I was a virgin but it wasn’t a huge deal because several other people were too. Until the end of our relationship, my boyfriend didn’t pressure me too much. I knew other people had sex but they were sorta seen as sluts. I was viewed with respect.

In college however, things changed quickly. Beyond being a goody-two-shoes, I am now an oddity. People view me more with awe and disbelief than respect. I have had more than one guy tell me that they did not believe virgins existed on this campus. I have not dated much so I have not felt the pressure but I am certain that if I were in a relationship, there would be immense pressure to “put out.” This breaks my heart the most: so many girls succumb to that pressure.

My advice to my peers in college is to know what you want to do (or not do) and why. I feel like several girls on campus may have been virgins in high school but gave that up in college because they thought they “had” to have sex to be popular or get a guy, etc. This is not the reason to have sex. You should have sex because you want to, NOT because someone else wants you to. It is something that you cannot get back and you need to be incredibly certain in giving it away – I’m not saying it has to be on your wedding night to your “Mr. Right” but at least set some sort of barriers and standards for yourself.

There are so many girls that do have sex that they are not even seen as “sluts” anymore. They are normal. My biggest concern is did that shift happen because girls wanted sex or because we have been cornered into that “slut” role to put out and please men? I think girls need to be certain of the answer to that before they give up their bodies, whether for the first time or the hundredth time.

Let having sex truly be your own choice.