I Want a Wife (It's Not What You're Thinking!)

I know it has been a while since I've posted. 

And I have been busy. 

Really Busy. 

That is why I want a wife.

It is not what you're thinking: I am not turning lesbian. 

It is more like I'm turning logical: I want a wife because my to-do list remains perpetually incomplete. I scratch one thing off but somehow 2 or 3 new tasks have appeared along with the other things that remain undone.

One month remains of my college career!?! As I try to complete homework and reading and papers, I also have to find time to do laundry, buy groceries, vacuum my room, etc. etc. etc.. This on top of classes, an internship and work. Then, of course, there are the unexpected things like having to buy a new laptop, scheduling to get my wisdom teeth removed, ordering flowers for graduation, etc. etc. etc.. Oh and trying to have a social life.

That is why I want a wife. 

As I sit here in the library after midnight attempting to study for a test at 10 am and not be overwhelmed by my never-ending to-do list, I was reminded of an essay I once read called "Why I Want a Wife" by Judy Syfers. This site describes the original publication and delivery (celebrating the 50th anniversary of the 19th amendment). 

I have included the essay in its entirety below for all of y'all  - gay, straight, male, female, single or otherwise - who, like me, WANT A WIFE ;) 

I belong to that classification of people known as wives. I am A Wife. And, not altogether incidentally, I am a mother.

Not too long ago a male friend of mine appeared on the scene fresh from a recent divorce. He had one child, who is, of course, with his ex-wife. He is obviously looking for another wife. As I thought about him while I was ironing one evening, it suddenly occurred to me that I, too, would like to have a wife. Why do I want a wife?

I would like to go back to school so that I can become economically independent, support myself, and, if need be, support those dependent upon me. I want a wife who will work and send me to school. And while I am going to school I want a wife to keep track of the children's doctor and dentist appointments. And to keep track of mine, too. I want a wife to make sure my children eat properly and are kept clean. I want a wife who will wash the children's clothes and keep them mended. I want a wife who is a good nurturant attendant to my children, who arranges for their schooling, makes sure that they have an adequate social life with their peers, takes them to the park, the zoo, etc. I want a wife who takes care of the children when they are sick, a wife who arranges to be around when the children need special care, because, of course, I cannot miss classes at school. My wife must arrange to lose time at work and not lose the job. It may mean a small cut in my wife's income from time to time, but I guess I can tolerate that. Needless to say, my wife will arrange and pay for the care of the children while my wife is working.

I want a wife who will take care of *my* physical needs. I want a wife who will keep my house clean. A wife who will pick up after me. I want a wife who will keep my clothes clean, ironed, mended, replaced when need be, and who will see to it that my personal things are kept in their proper place so I can find what I need the minute I need it. I want a wife who cooks the meals, a wife who is a *good* cook. I want a wife who will plan the menus, do the necessary grocery shopping, prepare the meals, serve them pleasantly, and then do the cleaning up while I do my studying. I want a wife who will care for me when I am sick and sympathize with my pain and loss of time from school. I want a wife to go along when our family takes a vacation so that someone can continue to care for me and my children when I need a rest and change of scene.

I want a wife who will not bother me with rambling complaints about a wife's duties. But I want a wife who will listen to me when I feel the need to explain a rather difficult point I have come across in my course of studies. And I want a wife who will type my papers for me when I have written them.

I want a wife who will take care of the details of my social life. When my wife and I are invited out by my friends, I want a wife who will take care of the babysitting arrangements. When I meet people at school that I like and want to entertain, I want a wife who will have the house clean, will prepare a special meal, serve it to me and my friends, and not interrupt when I talk about the things that interest me and my friends. I want a wife who will have arranged that the children are fed and ready for bed before my guests arrive so that the children do not bother us. I want a wife who takes care of the needs of my guests so that they feel comfortable, who makes sure that they have an ashtray, that they are passed the hors d'oeurves, that they are offered a second helping of the food, that their wine glasses are replenished when necessary, that their coffee is served to them as they like it.

And I want a wife who knows that sometimes I need a night out by myself.

I want a wife who is sensitive to my sexual needs, a wife who makes love passionately and eagerly when I feel like it, a wife who makes sure that I am satisfied. And, of course, I want a wife who will not demand sexual attention when I am not in the mood for it. I want a wife who assumes the complete responsibility for birth control, because I do not want more children. I want a wife who will remain sexually faithful to me so that I do not have to clutter up my intellectual life with jealousies. And I want a wife who understands that *my* sexual needs may entail more than strict adherence to monogamy. I must, after all, be able to relate to people as fully as possible.

If, by chance, I find another person more suitable as a wife than the wife I already have, I want the liberty to replace my present wife with another one. Naturally, I will expect a fresh, new life; my wife will take the children and be solely responsible for them so that I am left free.

When I am through with school and have a job, I want my wife to quit working and remain at home so that my wife can more fully and completely take care of a wife's duties.

My God, who *wouldn't* want a wife?

My comments are just as tongue-in-cheek as the essay but I still offer this disclaimer: I do not expect to have someone do all of that for me and nor do I think anyone else should expect all of that either. It is simply unfair to expect anyone - wife or husband - to do all of that. If everyone pulled their own weight in the home then we wouldn't have wives who end up feeling like this:

So lovingly but also logically, I say to anyone stuck in a situation like my last few weeks, overwhelmed with life's to-do lists, to the point that you want a wife like the imaginary one in the essay above, just suck it up and follow this advice ;) 

And thank the wife or mom or friend or roommate who helps out with cooking your meals, cleaning your clothes, making your doctor's appointments, etc. etc. etc.