On My Knees

It isn't for the moment you are struck that you need courage but for the long uphill climb back to sanity and faith and security.

                                                                      - Anne Morrow Lindbergh

I was feeling slightly insane, wavering in my faith, and insecure.

The moment those feelings were "struck" into me came as I began my senior year with a Women and Religion class. This class is full of women (and a few men) who are very intelligent and different from me.

Usually, I find this environment refreshing.

Not this time.

This time it was personal. This time it was draining: mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

This time it was frightening. Because this time it was messing with my faith. 

I have been learning about pre-history and the religions before Christianity. I have been taught to question all truth, even whether there is any truth. I have been surrounded by those who call their gods "She." I have listened to people bash my religion and point out nothing positive, simply flaw. After flaw. After flaw.

The scary part was I understood - and agreed with - some of their points. I trust in my teacher's knowledge. I have studied and read her textbooks about goddesses.

I have questioned my faith, my God, my role as a Bible study leader.

And worst of all, I told NO ONE.

I didn't want to burden them with a problem I couldn't solve. I didn't want them to have the same struggle if I couldn't help them out of it. I feared their judgment for my wavering faith. So I kept these thoughts to myself.

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Until this weekend. And that is when I began my hopefully not too "long uphill climb."

This weekend was the Charleston Baptist Collegiate Ministry Fall Retreat. I went knowing I needed to go but not knowing how much it would affect me.

Before I give you the detail of when I hit my lowest low, here is some background information:

• My homechurch is over 200 years old filled with several traditional people, many of whom are old, all of whom are subdued in their worship style: aka if anyone says "Amen" in the middle of the sermon, we all turn his or her way and glare as if to suggest they should lay off the coffee next Sunday. It is just too much. We're quiet and keep things simple, assuming that showy worship of waving your hands around and shouting is insincere. 

• Well, upon getting to know other believers in college and how they worshiped, I realized one can be showy and sincere in praising God. In fact, it was an encouragement for me to see them raise their hands. When I finally worked up the guts and sincere desire to attempt this on my own, I was nearly sweating and my heart was beating fast but once I got past my nerves, I realized it heightened my own worship. So now, as I feel moved, I will raise my hands.
• Also, I have been trying to figure out how to make prayer a conversation: not just me rambling but also listening for God. My favorite description for his response is a still, small voice putting a crystal clear thought into your mind that was not yours, but simply was placed on your heart out of nowhere. I agree with that.

So, back to the BCM retreat.

We had wonderfully powerful music, enhanced especially by all of the Citadel cadets with their deep voices and clapping as we sang along. One song we sang was Indescribable with a lyric that says "Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim/ You are amazing God."

I had a still, small voice whisper: "That would be cool. I think I'd like to do that; it might elevate my worship like when I started raising my hands."

Enter my active thoughts: "Yes, that could be cool BUT certainly not here. Too many people. I mean I don't want to be all trying too hard or distracting people. Yea, maybe... someday..."

Without a second thought, I continued singing songs until  a few things formed the final cracks in my emotional dam: hearing our leader use words like "battle" and reading through the Lord's prayer about "Lead us not into temptation/ But deliver us from evil," etc.

My emotional dam broke. Warm tears poured from my eyes.

I don't usually cry. I quickly tried to regain my composure but it was melting away like much of my mascara. 

I walked to the front of the room where our Prayer Team leader was sitting in a chair. I don't know why but she pulled me to the ground. At that moment, I was at my lowest point, physically and emotionally and spiritually.

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We sat on our knees as she hugged me and prayed for me and read me a few perfectly relevant pieces of scripture.I admitted my fears and my doubts and I let my tears flow.

Once I regained composure I stood to leave but before I could get to the end of the front row, another lady reached for me which I was totally not expecting but graciously welcomed. She hugged me and began praying for me.

However, the way that she grabbed me brought my upper body in for a hug but left my butt awkwardly in the air so, without realizing it, to fix this...

I fell to my knees. 

It wasn't until later after she finished praying for me and I had returned to my seat that I put all of this together. I never had the intention to do any of that, nor did I even want to. But at that point, not even an hour after I had heard that whispered thought, I had fallen to my knees not once but twice, humbled before the Lord in prayer and worship. 

I was like, "Ok, God. I got it. You're there. To me, you are truth and you are real and you are worthy of praise."

Better yet, we sang You Alone Can Rescue with the perfect lyrics for my situation. 

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As I begin this "uphill climb" I realize that I don't have all of the answers yet and I am certain all of my doubts are not disappearing any time soon, but I am also certain of my faith.

If I had all the answers it would be called FACT, not FAITH.

But I do feel certain that with God, the acceptance and support and prayer from fellow believers, and with patience I will one day make it back to the top of the hill, "back to sanity and faith and security."

Refuting the Top 10 Feminist Stereotypes

To begin with, I’d like to address the type of feminist that I am and, in so doing, prove that there is not only one way to be a feminist. People, especially in the South and even in my family, throw out those same old tired stereotypes of the hairy, lesbian, man-hater. I can assure you that I do not fit that description and neither do most of the feminists I have met.

In May of this year, DJ Nelson posted a list of the top 10 Feminist Stereotypes on the All Diva Media blog. They included the following:
1. Feminists hate men
2. Feminists hate the idea of family
3. Feminists are masculine and unattractive
4. Feminists hate God
5. Feminists don’t shave
6. Feminists are all pro-choice
7. Feminists can’t be stay at home moms
8. Feminists whine about everything
9. Men are not feminists
10. All people who label themselves as feminists believe in the exact same things

I refute every one of these stereotypes because:

1. I do not hate men but rather have about 3-7 crushes going on at any given time and definitely enjoy the company of men on a friendship and romantic level.

2. I LOVE my family and fully intend to have one of my own one day, biologically or by adoption.
3. I am about as girly girl as you can get. As for being unattractive, I like to think that I am not but I suppose beauty is in the eye of the beholder… and the media which I will address in later blogs I am sure. I certainly fit some of the media’s standards of “beauty” by staying fit, fashionable, and manicured with makeup, painted nails, styled hair, etc. but that is the Southern Belle in me wanting to be dolled up - As for if that is my willing choice or a socialized requirement that I subconsciously feel the need to meet, I am still processing. Either way I enjoy being girly and definitely break that masculine stereotype.

4. I most definitely do not hate God but love and worship him to the best of my ability as an active Christian. I do not feel that Feminism and Faith are mutually exclusive.

5. I shave regularly and feel bad for boys that don’t because the thought of armpit hair grosses me out and I feel like it would be a nuisance. I do question why women have to shave and why men, as a collective gender – not just the occasional swimmer - never do. Perhaps there will be a later blog on that.

6. I have not fully made up my mind on this. I hate the thought of an innocent life being ended before it has the chance to reach full potential but I also hate the idea of a woman and her body being controlled by the nearly all male government possibly forcing an unwanted pregnancy on a woman AND the less than loved/protected/encouraged/provided for existence that child might face. I often fall back to the separation of Church and State in that the government should not be influenced by religious doctrine so I would technically take a pro-choice stance though on a personal level I would never encourage abortion.

7. Feminists certainly can be stay at home moms – look to the first wave of the women’s movement in the 1800s. It was begun by middle class, white women, many of whom were stay at home moms who felt oppressed in that role and chose to change it, essentially becoming feminists. Women today can do the very same thing AND women can be feminists but still be a stay at home mom if they CHOOSE to and don’t feel oppressed. In fact, if I am afforded the opportunity to do just that and be with my future children while they are young and reaching so many firsts in their life, I will more than likely take it.

8. I don’t whine about everything but I do whine BUT who doesn’t. Don’t men whine? Don’t normal women whine? Don’t racists, sexists, politicians, homeless, teachers, doctors, Christians, Muslims, Americans, Australians, [insert any people group] whine!?! Furthermore, if one put the shoe on the other foot they might see why the other group has a reason to “whine” or perhaps more accurately, “pose a threat to the status quo” causing those in power to belittle the submissive group as “whiners” simply to preserve their position of power?

9. Sure men are feminists. I know some. You probably do too. We need more of them.

10. Heck no, we don’t all agree! But who does? See number 8; do they all agree? No, and why should they… that would be terribly boring.

Having said that, you may disagree with what I have just presented as my opinion and that is fine – that is Feminist in fact ;) I don’t expect you to agree with all that I have just mentioned and that is my point. Just as my answers break the mold of those stereotypes, others’ answers will break the mold of my answers further destroying those stereotypes. So go ahead and prove them wrong; we don’t all fit into one itty bitty box.