In case you haven't noticed, I'm single ;)
It doesn't altogether bother me but I have an epic internal struggle in how to be single.
That is, in my mental boxing match, on one side of the ring is the Southern Belle (dainty, passive, waiting to be pursued) vs. the Feminist (though hesitant, more daring - perhaps impatient - pursuer).
As I'm sure you all know, Valentine's Day recently came and went, one of my less remarkable ones since I did not have a significant other. However, it was still good because I am a hopeless romantic and that colors my rosy glasses enough to see past all of the blatant consumerism ;)
For Valentine's Day, one of my girlfriends and I decided to attend a Valentine's dance so that we would not be stuck inside alone, studying and wallowing and giving in to our temptation to eat far too much ice cream or chocolate.
This dance and what unfolded offers a prime example of my mental boxing match:
Before I get started here is a list of some prime characters...
1) Cute Christian = in reference to his religious preference, not an alliteration attempt with his first name ;) Also, my top crushlet of the night
2) German Girlfriend = my friend who is tall and beautiful and from - you guessed it - Germany
3) High Guy = pudgy but lovable boy who was extremely sharing, even in regards to his drug usage; I do not assume that he is high but he, in fact, announces this to me within mere minutes of our introductions.
4) The Twin = a guy I bonded with over the fact that we both have a twin brother
5) Redhead = a nice, quiet redheaded boy with glasses
Round One:
We enter the ballroom and Cute Christian sees me and offers me not only an enthusiastic greeting but also a hug; immediately I become giddy. (This should be a pretty clear indicator in how far removed I am from dating in that I get excited over a half hug from a guy!)
A.K.A. victory to Southern Belle
Round Two:
I run around socializing and introducing myself to several people, including The Twin and the cute DJ. I meet new girls and new guys and comment on the decorations and nibble at the food and it is pleasant. All the while, I am eyeing Cute Christian who is also the host of the event; he runs around greeting others with a conspicuous lack of an accompanying hug. This, too, I find encouraging ;)
A.K.A. another victory to Southern Belle
Round Three:
Nearly an hour has passed and no actual dancing at the dance :( I grow impatient, BUT, still lack the guts to approach a guy, particularly the guy: Cute Christian.
A.K.A. no one wins this round
Round Four:
I stand in a group of girls (4 of us) on the edge of the dance floor. We are talking as two guys approach, one of which is the Cute Christian. He asks one of the other girls to dance. Ouch. Fortunately, that blow was softened by the fact that I was asked to dance by the other guy. John Mayer's "Slow Dancin' in a Burnin' Room" played in the background; It was pretty nice, I'm not gonna lie :)
A.K.A. Southern Belle wins this round; Feminist is placated for the time being
SIDE NOTE: Nerves and dancing increase my heart rate and body temperature; my turtle-necked sweater dress and tights are stifling. I begin to sweat. No good for either the Southern Belle or the Feminist. After debating with my girlfriends, I decide it is necessary and acceptable to run to the restroom to remove my tights. Though the Southern Belle in me is a bit bashful for removing an article of clothing at a public event and the Feminist in me is not pleased that my slacking off on the shaving in this cold weather is reinforcing the "hairy" stereotype I so disagree with, it was a good move on the whole and I start to chill, literally and figuratively.
Round Five:
Cute Christian approaches me and my German Girlfriend to dance; she tries to sit out (knowing my affection for him) but I grab for her as he grabs for me and I leap at the opportunity to grab his hand; I am slow to let go of it as we reach the dance floor...
A.K.A. Southern Belle wins this one!!!
Round Six:
I am terribly awkward as this song is a bump and grind one (not what a Southern Belle will dance to!) and I attempt to talk instead of dance. This is a huge failure as the music is too loud to allow for a conversation. I flail awkwardly in what could hardly qualify as dancing.
A.K.A. Southern Belle takes a blow, hard.
Round Seven:
I realize that I need to talk to the DJ. I request a shag/swing dance, something that I can at least fake the moves to without feeling violated. My initiative proves fruitful and he selects a swing song for the playlist.
A.K.A. Feminist is kicking it into gear and wins that round
Round Eight:
As the song begins, I linger for a moment, scanning the room for Cute Christian in hopes that he will ask me to dance. After a minute or so, I forget that and gain a new determination. This is a song I can actually dance to, danget. I will dance. Period. The Twin is nearby and I ask him to dance. He eagerly approaches but says he doesn't know how to and I say "Well , fake it til you can make it."
A.K.A. Feminist's fists are flying
Round Nine:
The Twin and I finish "dancing" by mimicking others on the floor and laughing all the way; it is great fun. As that song ends, I pass him along to my German Girlfriend who says "I don't know how to dance swing" to which I responded "Neither does he but go have fun!" They do so as I scan the room yet again for Cute Christian but before I get to him I see the Redhead. He stands as I did earlier, expectantly at the edge of the dance floor. "Would you like to dance?" I ask. He says yes and again we fake more than we make of the actual dance but it was a ton of fun!!!
A.K.A. *boom,* *boom,* *boom,* Southern Belle is getting knocked out
Round Ten:
A slow song comes on and the Southern Belle in me yet again scans for Cute Christian. He is not in sight so the Feminist in me sees the High Guy hanging nearby. I ask him to dance and he takes me up on it. We dance for the final 4 songs of the night. He was an interesting and forgiving partner as I even tried to muster up some moves for some rap songs. At one point we were even the only couple on the dance floor (quite possibly our moves scared them away!) but if they had a hit, they'd probably be a bit more unihibited like him and more accepting of my awful attempts at dancing. But, we had fun ;)
A.K.A. Southern Belle is down for the count
Wrap-up:
Sadly, I never got to dance with Cute Christian BUT I did get to dance.
This is because I quit waiting.
Perhaps I could have waited longer and he would have asked me again but my guess would be no. Of course, I could have gone to ask him and maybe I should have but... easier said than done, hence my epic internal struggle. Perhaps he has a similar struggle and that explains why he never approached me again. That won't ever be clear.
One thing that is clear is that when I gave up my Southern Belle's antiquated notion of waiting for the guy to come pursue me, I asked the guys. They were so grateful to dance and I believe we all had a lot more fun at that point, actually dancing at a dance party! I always tend to wait too long to get to that point where the Feminist takes charge.
I guess I fear it can be intimidating or emasculating for the guys... or maybe just hard for me. Keep in mind, I have only carried this out in smaller settings like going to dances or initiating conversations, etc. and have not yet given up my Southern Belle ideology for dating. But, I'm starting to get impatient, as I did at the dance, and now I wonder if dating could be a lot more fun if I would just get up the guts to ask a guy out...
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