I have a date every week with a
9-year-old.
I see her every Thursday. She
is my lunch buddy :)
It is a program with Communities
in Schools, a "nationwide network of passionate professionals
working in public schools to surround students with a community of support,
empowering them to stay in school and achieve in life."
I must admit, when I began the
process of applying to volunteer, I felt awkward.
Beyond that, I felt like a creeper.
The forms asked questions like what school we wanted to work with and what age
child and gender. I felt like a pedophile selecting, "I'd like a little
blue-eyed, blonde 7 year-old girl" Now, to clarify, the application did
not ask for those details... but still!
I pushed through the awkward
application process, however, and got my background check approved and my
references in. Then I was allowed to begin the program.
My little girl, who I shall refer to
as K, was a little reserved at first.
Our first couple lunch dates, we
covered the usual topics like favorite color, food, tv show, etc. And I began
to ask about her family. When I asked about her parents, she said: "I have a mom. She is 38."
This threw me off. And broke
my heart.
In sharing about my mom, I have never
once revealed her age (In fact, I'd probably get in trouble for making that
public knowledge, lol!). However, K obviously has been asked/judged so much
that even as a 9-year-old, she was on the defense to prove to me her mom was
older - not a teenage mom as many would assume. Although, I later found out K
has sisters who are in their early 20s so her mom was a teenage mom who just
continued to have children.
My heart further broke a few weeks
into the school-year when I found out her mom went to jail so K was living
between her older sisters' homes and her own where the mom's live-in boyfriend
still resided. My little 4th-grade lunch buddy was left to do
homework/eat/entertain/protect herself many nights with little-to-no adult
supervision.
It comes as no surprise that when
she is then under strict supervision at school, she often gets in trouble. I am
not even assuming this; in a scarlet-letter-kind-of-way, the school has a
branding system of colored lanyards:
- Gold = good behavior
- Green = you've been spoken to but mostly behaved
- Red = you got in trouble, seriously or frequently
Well, my little K has been on red
LITERALLY every week that I've met with her this school-year :(
Despite that we had not had progress
in the lanyard arena, we had progress in our connection with each other.
The first week, she wouldn’t even
hardly hold my eye contact, much less my hand. But the more lunches and conversations
we shared led to smiles, then hugs, then walking her to her classroom or
recess.
A few weeks ago, she held my
hand all the way from the lunch room to recess and had me play with her outside
a bit; before we said goodbye, she told me she loved me.
Gah. Melt my heart.
Once I realized she knew I cared for
her and I knew she cared for me, I felt that I could push her and she knew it
would be coming from a good place – not just another adult telling her what to
do.
On our next lunch date, I talked
with her about her lanyard and asked her if she thought she could get on green.
She didn’t really know what to say.
I told her I didn’t just think she could get on green; I knew she could. She pinky-promised me
(which is about as binding as a contract can be for an elementary school kid!)
that she would try to get on green.
Sadly, I didn’t see her the next
Thursday because the weather was awful and the streets were flooded and I
couldn’t get to her school.
The next Thursday was Thanksgiving
so school was off.
As a result, it was 3 weeks before I
saw her again :/
And to make matters worse, I was
late that Thursday. I had just managed to find parking near her school when I
got a call from the lady in charge of Communities in Schools; she told me K was
asking to make sure I was still coming in that day. I told her I was literally walking
in the door and would see them both in 2 minutes.
As I walked into the lunchroom, K
spotted me first. She gave me a big ole smile and hug and then we sat down to
chat about our usual: her food, her classes, her weekend, etc.
But, then she
asked: “Do you like surprises?” with a coy
smile on her face.
I had no idea where she was going
with this.
I said, “Of course, I love surprises!
Do you?”
But, she ignored my question and
simply stated, “I have a surprise for you.”
I still had no idea where she was
going with this. “You do!?!” I asked.
At this point, she begins to unbutton
her coat which I had failed to realize was still on. By about the third button,
I saw it, hanging around her neck: a GREEN lanyard!!!!
She saw me see it and asked me, “Do
you remember how last time we met, you told me I could get a green lanyard?”
“Of course I do!!!” I said, pleased
and impressed that she still remembered.
“And I knew you could do it!!!” I
added, “I am SOOOOOOO proud of you!!!”
I proceeded to give her countless
high fives and hugs… as I fought back the tears welling up in my eyes because
she had remembered and honored that challenge. AND she had believed in herself
because someone else had believed in her.
She said, “See, I can be not bad.”
This broke my heart too. She believed
she was a bad person. I said, “Oh, K! You were never bad. You may have made
some bad choices but you were never bad. You are a sweet, good girl and you can
always be that if you decide to be.”
I know it was cheesy but I don’t
think she has ever heard this. Certainly not at school. She is told she is bad
and she is viewed as bad since she has to wear a red lanyard.
For clarification, this is not to
hate on the system or the teachers or the school. I know they have structure in
place for a reason and it can be largely effective. However, for K, she had
begun to believe she was only as good as she had gotten in the system: red
lanyard status.
Further, it didn’t seem that she
believed she could move beyond that.
But she did!!!!
I brought up her green lanyard and
green things like 50 times in the last 15 minutes of our lunch.
I am happy to report that the next
week, K still had a green lanyard :)
She and I were both excited and
proud. We have already decided that in 2013, we are aiming for the gold
lanyard. She believes she can do it now.
A little thing like a shift from a
red lanyard holding your student ID card changing to a green lanyard has had
profound effects on K’s self-confidence and I think even self-worth.
And, it was all accomplished in a
few lunch dates.
This is not a bragging moment for me
as such a great lunch buddy because I only had one afternoon of training and I don’t have special tricks or tips. I was just a grown-up
who took time to meet with a little 9-year-old girl and through that, I believed
in her and loved on her.
That is what has profound effects on
a child. And, this is something anyone can do.
Including you.
You too could take less than an hour
out of your week to meet with, love on and believe in a child at a school near
you. It could have profound effects on you and the child both.
Communities in
Schools is a national organization so check out the one near you…
