Oxymoronic as it may sound, this blog is feminism from a Southern Belle's point of view...
I am from South Carolina, a girly girl, married to the man of my dreams, Christian and fairly traditional.
Yet, I am also feminist, empowered, strong, and a firm believer in equality without limitation based on being born a woman.
As for the guys who read my posts, sorry; this one's for the girls. Too many of my friends have come to me recently sharing stories of heartbreak and Lord knows I've experienced that, too. So this is a letter for them and any woman who has learned that:
You've probably imagined sperm as hardy warriors swimming purposefully upstream, against the current, on a suicide mission to fertilize that egg, or die. (p29)
Right? Now, that clearly is the point of view of the SPERM. And it sounds like all I have ever heard before about conception: to quote Dori out of context from Finding Nemo, I imagine the sperm: "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming." All with intense purpose. Maybe even wearing helmets or goggles ;)
However, my book continues and shows a very uncommon take on conception:
Here's what it actually looks like: [A] wastefully huge swarm of sperm weakly flops along, its members bumping into walls and flailing aimlessly through thick strands of mucus. Eventually, through sheer odds of pinball-like bouncing... a few sperm end up close enough to an egg. As they mill around, the egg selects one and reels it in, pinning it down in spite of its efforts to escape. It's no contest, really. The gigantic hardy egg yanks the tiny sperm inside, distills out the chromosomes, and sets out to become an embryo. (p 29, quoting"The Aggressive Egg" by David Freeman)
Definitely different, right? That point of view clearly comes from the EGG.
Point of view IS important.
So, whether it is February 14th or conception or whatever else you're dealing with... be sure to consider your point of view - you can choose to view the situation as a glass half full or a glass half empty.
And if this past Monday got you down (or S.A.D.), at the risk of being too corny, I remind you that there are other fish in the sea and I'll leave you with this little motto from Dori, my favorite Finding Nemo character:
Lastly, I apologize if, like Nemo's dad, you get stuck with that song in your head ;)
While I am truly overjoyed for my friends who have met their Mr. Right and gotten married recently, if I see one more facebook photo album of a wedding, I may scream. Or cry.
Admittedly, I do view every photo of every album - to stow away ideas for my future wedding, of course (as though this is a really urgent task!?!) - but it is painful at times. I think it is safe to say that being single sucks in the month of June.
But, not so, according to the authors of a new book: Last One Down the Aisle Wins - 10 keys to a fabulous single life now & an even better marriage later.
They argue that women should get to know themselves, gain independence, control their own finances, follow their passions, work on their education and careers, travel, etc. before marrying. In fact, they think women should wait until they are out of their 20s before marrying.
To be honest, I haven't read the book yet, only the article found at the link above but it seems a bit extreme; I'm thinking there is a happy medium, maybe 3 or 4 years after graduating rather than right after college or waiting until your 30.
It all depends, however, on when you meet "the one." Whether you wait a day or a decade, it is worth the wait and you shouldn't settle. I LOVE the way they explained that:
"What about this idea of "settling" for a Mr. Right Now — should young women still hold out for "the one"?
What a depressing message to send young women: You'll never find “the one”, so you should just settle for the best one who'll agree to marry you. Horrid! We not only urge women to hold out for Mr. Right, we also encourage them not to settle for themselves in their twenties. When a woman spends her single years becoming the best version of herself, what she's looking for in in a guy/husband/father to her children will inevitably evolve. She'll naturally begin to value character over charisma, connection over charm. This evolution will lead her to be attracted to a man with whom she can build a great life ... voila ... Mr. Right! But she simply won't be able to spot him until she's Mrs. Right. And that takes time."
So, all my single ladies, I hope you read the article and might even read the book. Either way, be encouraged because as the article points out, people who delay their marriage until after the age of 25 cut the chance of divorce in half.
In other words, single may suck now - particularly during the wedding month - but it can pay off in the end.
In the meantime, here are a few of my favorite songs for a soundtrack to singleness...
If you're feeling old-school and desperate: Queen's Somebody to Love
In keeping with my recent scripture theme, I have a bit of an awkward update.
It is much more light-hearted than my two previous posts and made me laugh so I thought I would share it.
I know it has already been established that I am single, but I don't believe I have yet mentioned that I am bad with numbers and also a Bible study leader. Those are key points to my story...
My Bible Blunder:
I have a new phone and a new phone plan that allows for mass-text messages. Since this upgrade, I have overindulged myself - and possibly annoyed friends and family - with these mass picture/text messages.
Sometimes these messages are practical, like alerting everyone in a group dinner date about what time to meet, etc.
More often than not, however, they are random messages like when I sent out a picture of a very large penis on the projector in my Human Sexuality class one day; I attached a message saying "Look what I walked into for class; just thought I would share the love ;)"
NOTE: I did not send that one to my Bible study girls!
My Bible blunder involved one of these random mass messages.
After reading a lovely devotional about God as love, I thought I would share the scripture with others, including girls that I lead in my Bible study and also my mother.
This is the verse I thought I texted to everyone:
"We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in him. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them." - 1 John 4:16
Isn't that beautiful? As a hopeless romantic, I thought it was.
This would have been a very sweet, Southern Belle kind of message to send out.
Sadly, that is NOT what I sent out in my message. I am bad with numbers and often mix them up or even occasionally forget them altogether.
This time I forgot a number, a very key number.
I left off the number 1.
As a result, I sent a mass message saying "I love you and so does God. John 4:16."
That verse reads:
"'Go and get your husband,' Jesus told her."
Yes, indeed. It seems the Feminist in me might have made a bit of a Freudian slip on that one ;)
So, yet another week of being slammed with school is drawing to a close. It prevented me from writing a new post but tonight as I reviewed my old assignments in an attempt to compile a portfolio for an interview tomorrow, I came across this piece I wrote last year.
Sorry to again cop out with using school stuff on here but if I have not already made it clear, I am a bit of a nerd so my school tends to seep into other areas of my life ;) Having said that, this article is hardly dry, academic material...
And sadly, still single over a year later, the lesson I learned is still relevant in my life. Hopefully y'all will find it relevant too:
Lovebug Lesson
Newly single and past the crying phase I was trying to bolster myself back up again listening to strong, female rockers screaming about how they did not need a man and are better off without him, etc., etc., etc. Just as soon as Kelly Clarkson finished the last lines of “Walk Away,” I went to answer my dog’s scratch at the door, signaling he wanted back inside. As he came prancing in, a barrage of lovebugs flew right in with him in an ironic, cruel, and unusual visual of what I had just lost and what I wanted most at that very moment: love.
A bunch of dumb bugs. Their little black and red bodies attached to their mates fluttered all around me. Lost in the cloud of coupled bugs, I swished and swatted until I had chased them all back outside. Nonetheless, I could not swat away what they had reminded me of which, being the dire, hopeless romantic that I am, was all I had ever wanted. However, just as quickly as this little insect army of amore flew in, so did the realization that I was looking for love from the wrong place: boys.
I had found love from boys at an early age. My first boyfriend ever came before I was even a teenager. He left me when a new, prettier girl joined us on our school bus the beginning of my eighth grade year. Crushed, I moved on into high school where half of my identity through those high school years was found in that of my other half – my high school sweetheart. Ever so appropriate for a hopeless romantic, and having dated him for over four years, four of my most influential, coming-of-age years, he truly had completed me in a sense. His love for me gave me confidence, fulfillment, and happiness – or so I thought. Then, all of this love boiled down to sex or lack thereof so he left me. Boys, just about as dumb as those lovebugs sometimes.
They can also be just as pesky and unavoidable as well. In the months after my breakup with my high school sweetheart, now in college I was surrounded by a barrage of new boys who, unfortunately, like the lovebugs that day I let my dog in, just flew right past me, un-phased entirely. I was desperately trying to catch one feeling incomplete without someone to love me.
Crushes came and went but, on the whole, I was unsuccessful. No one seemed to be crushing me back. With my first year of college ending and heading back home for the summer, I had begrudgingly resolved to be single. It was then that a boy unexpectedly flew into my life. We had quite a glorious, whirlwind romance consisting of an array of exciting, adventuresome dates complete with fireworks and shooting stars; I am not even kidding. Despite this seemingly dream come true for my hopeless romantic self, as sophomore year approached he would be heading off to college in North Carolina while I would remain in South Carolina for school so I was content to leave our relationship as a summer fling. However, like those lovebugs, he was pesky and persistent. As a result, despite my inhibitions and after warning him of the difficulties of long distance on any relationship, particularly our budding one that lacked a strong foundation, I agreed to be his girlfriend – ever eager for love.
Big mistake. Not even one month into school, he wanted a break. This in turn, broke my heart. Out of nowhere, he had moved on and left me lonely, unloved, and with an aching heart. All of my worries and fears at the summer’s end were staring me dead in the face. So, I cried my tears and took down our couple picture and proceeded to the aforementioned female rockers with the empowering break-up songs. Then came the lovebugs and their unexpected lesson.
Now, by the inclination those insects led me to, I have realized that I have to heal my heart and make it whole by loving me all by myself. Once I can do that, just like those rocker chicks rave about, I will not need a man. Although, once I reach that point, I’ll be ready for one and hopefully then the boys will be just like those lovebugs in that I will attract so many, I will have to swat to keep them all away.
I was way overdue for doing laundry... it was to the point that I was truly almost out of underwear so I had to do two loads. Well, I was a few minutes late to swap the stuff in the washer to the dryer. As I walked in, this beautiful (and I mean beautiful!!! tall, built, stylish, etc.) boy was standing in there. AND, he was putting clothes into my washer...?
I looked at the dryer beside his and noticed my clothes - a bright red, lacy pair of panties on top!?! - sitting in there. I kinda looked at him and asked... "Did you just toss these in here?" He said, "Yea, uh... I didn't start it cause I didn't know.... uh..."
I said, "Oh, it's totally fine" - I was probably as red as those panties at this point - "I just have a second load i'm going to toss in first."
As I was hunched down digging out my other laundry load, my phone rings - it is obnoxiously loud and playing "the wedding march" and it is buried in the pocket of my bright pink rain coat. I finally grab it and try to answer without dropping anything - especially panties - on the floor.
Of course, it is my mom AND she is asking me what type of acne facewash I use. I am not making this up.
As I describe the Aveno apricot blackhead scrub, I am excusing myself repeatedly as I trot back and forth between his washer and my dryer to peel off the remaining panties and socks stuck on the inside of that washer...
Ugh, I couldn't get out of there fast enough!!!! I'm guessing he won't be a future date for Valentine's ;)
As already mentioned, there are a ton of girls on my campus. In fact, across the nation, there are more girls than guys in higher education. And on this earth, there are more females than males: only 51% to 49%; don’t freak out ;) Of course, this can lead to more competition between us for guys and it certainly gives guys their choice of the girl they’d like to be with.
BUT, I recently realized this wonderful turning of the tables: we have the pick of the litter too :) Now, I’m not suggesting we all turn lesbian; what I’m saying is we can shift our perspective.
All these girls are a positive thing. We have the pick of the litter for good girl friends. Those are hard to come by. We don’t have to settle for half-hearted, ill-fitted relationships or acquaintances. We can weed out the girls that grate our nerves or have dissimilar interests and keep the ones who we truly enjoy being with.
These relationships are much more worth our time and attention because lets face it, unless we meet our future husbands, we are not likely to keep in touch with many of our dates from college. However, good girlfriends can last a long time – if we have the opportunity to find those that really suit us.
They are the ones to pour our secrets, ideas, and love into because they are trustworthy and reciprocate it. Not that boys can’t do that BUT we will probably only settle down with one guy and we don’t have to select just one girl friend.
Fortunately, we have the pick of the litter here. So look at it that way ladies, if you don’t currently have a boyfriend (or even if you do) to gush over and give all your time and attention to, SHARE that with a good girl friend. Call her randomly or give her a note or compliment or plan a girl’s night.
Good girl friends are likely to stick around longer than any boy so make a wise investment: sisters before misters!
For those of you who don’t know, the College of Charleston girl-to-guy ratio is very slanted – in the boys’ favor. This amounts to a very competitive dating scene and the boys have their pick of the litter.
Being a Southern Belle, I like to say that I have too much clothes and too much class to attract the attention of any guys on this campus. However, I was hoping my Junior year (this year), the boys would begin to settle down and be more interested in a wholesome girl like myself and ready for a relationship rather than just a good time.
It seems I was too hopeful. So now I am in a bit of a predicament, due almost entirely to a lack of patience ;) I would love to date but I don’t quite know how to go about it. The Southern Belle in me feels the guy should make the first move. I often reference the movie “He’s Just Not that Into You” which is basically my dating tutorial now. In the movie, the male lead repeatedly tells the girl “If a guy wants to make it happen, he’ll make it happen.”
Though I like the clarity that this dating stance would provide, I am very underwhelmed at the boys ability to make it happen. This is where the Feminist in me emerges. I say to heck with waiting; if I want to make it happen, I’ll make it happen. But then, you risk seeming desperate, promiscuous, or just plain pesky.
So here I am, balancing being a Southern Belle and Feminist and SINGLE. Any advice is welcomed ;)
